Treasa Bane

Loveturds! You’re with someone for so long you think there’s no one else; you think, selfishly, you’ve spent so much time with this person and they’re not a horrible person…You love this person, why not marry this person? You get married, you have kids, years pass by and you’ve progressed to so many stages of life, giving up, checking out, isn’t a question. And your wedding dress wouldn’t fit anymore and the kids wiped their butts all by themselves. Maybe there aren’t problems, so why would it be a question? But what if there were problems? Serious problems you refused to see until it was too late.

For some, there was a time you thought this person gives me something, makes me feel something I wouldn’t have on my own. I personally hope you don’t feel this way, that you need someone like an infant needs a mother because if you’re married with children, odds are you’re an adult, and you shouldn’t need anyone anymore. For others, maybe you don’t want to be alone. I also personally hope you don’t feel this way either because that’s another way of saying you’re bored. Maybe you need someone else to distract you from yourself. Someone else needs me for once. “Need” I say it? I once again personally hope you don’t feel this way, even though I understand it.

I could wake up next to me every day and not get tired of me. I love me and I always have and I always will. “I think I’m falling in love with me.” “I make me feel safe.”

Since I can remember I cherished alone time. To play by myself, to play with myself. I would get excited to go to bed not tired, because it meant alone time to my thoughts. I can’t stand needy friends who get mad when yes, I turned down your invitation about spending time together because I’d rather spend it alone. I’d choose me over you any day of the week.

Selfish? Vain? No one who knows me would describe me in any such terms. I love people but I’m not in love with people, whatever that means.

Last year People Magazine featured Joyce Carol Oates’s memoire “A Widow’s Story.” I thought it strange that the article stated that shortly after her husband’s death, she remarried. My favorite author, my obsession, my can-do-no-wrong almost to the degree of my own mom, was over seventy years old and remarrying. As if it was so great the first time. I started reading her memoire because I couldn’t resist, but I didn’t finish because it was the most disappointing piece of work. Oates wanted to kill herself when her husband passed away. She kept saying, “I survived.” As much as I adore her and gobble her fiction like candy, what did you expect, Oatesy? People die. That’s what you get for having just one person in your life you consider to be important. If you haven’t read Oates, her stance on women and social issues is paramount. I can’t think of a more important writer. And then she plays victim to the biggest scam in human history.

But I still think she’s great. If I were anti-marriage I’d be anti-three-fourths of the people I know. Snapped and Who the Bleep Did I Marry are some of the most addicting shows on television. Many of the most well-known horror films deal with the subject of heterosexual marriage (The Shining, What Lies Beneath, The Stepford Wives, Splice). Marriage, especially long-term, is scary. Desperate people scare me. It would be nice if we could all agree that funerals and weddings are the most expensive traditions and both aren’t really altogether necessary. No qualms with Valentine’s Day though; I’m talking about marriage, not love and affection.

During the first six months of dating, a hormone is released that causes feelings of ecstasy and euphoria. To make a life-altering decision such as marriage while on ecstasy is no good.

And now we have E-Harmony for those who tried and failed. Because we all know relationships are about finding someone based on your criteria, who will be a perfect fit for you, like a shoe or another “you.” Of course, these sites are typically for those who are too old for bars or school or extensive social scenes. But the idea that finding a “soul mate” is possible, and that now a program does the work for you, is the blossoming of another failure.

Sometimes I wonder if this is a waste of my time. I’m not talking about genocide or starvation or global warming. No one’s died by getting married. No one’s a victim and no one’s a victor. Marriage is part of the package we think we need in order to be happy, but happiness, as we all know, is a complicated, borderline fantastical phenomena.

Not too long ago, in the 70s, some grandmothers might have informed their daughters that they shouldn’t live alone after college, that it, “looked bad,” and so the daughter was pressured into marrying someone she didn’t know very well at all. And it was a nightmare.


Have things changed?

Choose your boobie shirts and heels you wear to class because that’s where you’ll find a mate; that’s why you’re here; that’s why you’re getting an education; act like I’m exaggerating; act like that’s not why you’re not trying harder.

Euphemism Campus Box 5555 Illinois State University Normal, IL 61790