Vol.3 Issue.1

Brian Hillery is a bearded con-artist, who is tragically in love with his wife, Jessica Warning. She does not wear a beard, however is most certainly a con-artist of equal prowess.

Ode to the Small Dog

Brian Hillery


I'm not so much short

as just not quite tall

and it used to piss me off



Now, however, upon realizing

that little dogs live, on average,

several dog years longer than

large dogs, I guess my own condition

could be worse.


Plus I've noticed that super hot,

super trampy actresses

all carry around small dogs

in their overpriced purses.

Which makes sense,

because when you think about it,

a large dog in a purse is rather unfeasible,

as well as just plain ridiculous.


Large dogs might accuse me

of simple rationalization.

"J'Accuse!" the French Briquet Hound would bark out

And then I would remind him

that he is a dog and,

albeit a large dog, he

cannot actually talk.


So the joke's on him,

because when the police finally arrive

and see my arm in the large dog's mouth

and listen to MY accusations

and receive only muffled, indiscernible barks emanating from

the large dog

(whose barks are muffled because my arm is still in there)

(and whose barks are indiscernible because the Cop doesn't speak dog)

I won't be the one who ends up in dog jail,

but instead

I'll have the last laugh indeed.


Ha! ha! ha!

I'll crow,

watching through a two-way mirror

as the condemned pooch gets led

down a bleak, rust-colored hallway.


"He's chased his last car," I'd quip,

to the inattentive dog jailer.

"Dead dog walking!" I'd shout out loud.

"Dead dog walking!"

Euphemism Campus Box 4240 Illinois State University, Normal, IL 61790-4240