Thoughts of a One-Eyed Kleptomaniac Dog-Loving

Assault Victim

Nick Robinson


An apple a day keeps the doctor away
I used to eat apples
Then a homeless guy beat me up
And took my apple away
The police took my statement
The EMT looked me over
I didn’t have to see the doctor
Not sure it was worth it


The early bird gets the worm
My dog had worms once
But the vet took them
Maybe animals only get worms for a little while
And vets get to keep them


Take the bull by the horns
I grabbed his tail
How’d that work out?
Let me put it this way
I didn’t find this eye patch
In a box of crackerjacks


A penny saved is a penny earned
I picked a guy’s pocket once
All I got was a penny
He went to cross the street
And he got hit by a bus
I saved the penny
Did I earn it?


Liar, liar, pants on fire
I saw a guy once
Whose pants were on fire
He was shouting
Help! Help!  I’m on water!


Dog is man’s best friend
I used to like cats
Then one slashed my tires
And bought pay per view movies
With my credit card
I like dogs


Euphemism Campus Box 4240 Illinois State University, Normal, IL 61790-4240